I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
