Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
3 2 1 whiskey
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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