It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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