I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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