I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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