you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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