Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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