Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
