I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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