omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
