i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
