The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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