2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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