I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
