then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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