What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
