I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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