He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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