I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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