Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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