That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
