My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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