Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
