I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
me + whiskey = a bad person
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
