in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
