I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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