it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
