I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
