she's into porn, im staying here tonight
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
