420 ftw
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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