the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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