Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
