Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
