capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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