Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
