Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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