I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
