I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
