I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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