Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
