I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize