After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
