hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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