Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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