How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
