she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
