When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
