my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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