if you like me you must not know who I am
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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