If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he thought i was a dude.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
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