You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
