the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
