Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
